When I was only 16 or 17, I found a space where I could dump my emotions without worrying about anything – it was ‘internet’ and more specifically, my blog.
The first time I found out about blogger.com and I thought wow, I could speak my heart out and I called my blog – Worlds collide in Words. Perhaps, that name came out a few months of me writing my blog and I saw that this space had more people who came to dump their emotions, too. Words made my world collide with theirs in a fruitful way.
I was thrilled when I saw people dropping comments telling me that my writing had made a difference to their life. I wasn’t even doing it for that. But that reason transformed into being meaningful for me.
Recently, in a conversation with a friend, I happened to say that when I grow up “I’d love to write to inspire others” and he took it in a different tangent altogether. He thought it was quite superficial of me to say that. He said it would be better if I aim to write to inspire myself rather than others.
I just couldn’t explain it, or describe it to him – my feelings behind that sentence. When I was only 17 and I had a handful of readers to my blog, I wasn’t aware of the impact I was creating on them, like I said – I didn’t mean to. But either way, it turned out as a positive experience for both me and my readers.
I found a space that didn’t make me feel lonely.
I found a space where I could go on and on about heart breaks but nobody asked me to stop talking about it. I was heard, I was understood, silently – and yet, in an empathetic manner.
So, what is wrong if I say it out loud that one of objectives of my work should be to inspire others when I am older?
Just that, this time, more carefully.
If my writings create an urge for others to write too, I think it is deeply significant for me as a writer.
Earlier, I was not responsible and now, as an adult, as a 24 yr old, almost a decade later of me pursuing writing blogs again – I want to write – where writing is a cathartic experience all over again, purposeful or not.
To be honest, it is conflicting.
Can I be responsible and also, let out my emotions as catharsis at the same time?
Can I write what I feel, dump my emotions here, and yet feel that I am using this space responsibly?
I’m sitting here, in my room, the AC says it’s 16 degrees and Gwalior is boiling in 46-47 degrees today. As I write this, I feel like there is a part of me that is holding up a lot inside me, and needs to vent out and therefore, I am claiming my space back – my blog. I want to write more without worrying about my identity.
I maybe Stuti Ashok Gupta in this world but in it’s true sense, I am just a mass of particles put together and given a name. So, if I do express freely, I would connect more to myself and connect more deeply.
I feel relieved with my consolation, for now.
Goodnight, you all.