With almost a week of being sick, and at bed-rest, there are a billion of thoughts crossing my mind – somehow causing a lot of self-doubt in me. Maybe because I’ve spent this week looking at how everyone is having a gala time being a Celebrity or a Youtuber, a Blogger, Instagram Influencer – that I have almost lost myself in the delusions of what a life is worth.
There are two major things that I can segregate my thoughts into:
- Am I living the life I have wanted for myself? Or am I spending too much time looking at other people’s lives that I am now comparing my life with theirs? Isn’t that something I always spoke about and preached how one shouldn’t do that.
- Do people envy me when they look at my life in such a way that I am looking at others, right now as I am not well? It must suck for them because they should know that everything is so temporary.
I was always someone who loved to start new things, more than to commit to one specific thing and be trapped in the monotony of it. As soon as something would start to get boring or repetitive, I withdrew myself. Until I faced a huge financial problem in my life with a job that paid me in pennies and the business I started didn’t promise to pay enough for my living. Back in 2017, I decided to become financially independent, and by 2018 end, I did achieve that goal through my work at Amrutam.
Building a community has always been my dream, and I am trying my level best to inculcate that dream with the business that is helping me build a sustainable life. I don’t know all these self-doubts are crowding my mind, with all the questions that are hammering my brain right now.
It is making me feel as if no matter what I do, I feel too far away from my dream & a part of me, tries to console this insecure need to feel important by saying “all you have to do is work consistently, and the results will appear on its own” and then my insecure self says “but which results? What exactly did we want here?” as it addresses to the calming inner voice.
My self-doubts gang up on my inner calm and say “You’ve always wanted to travel, go places, meet people, write, write novels, write poetry, build a strong foundation for a community, be famous, feel important…and do you think your work is going to make you more free or trapped? Will your successful business let you sit by a beach for one entire week without worrying too much about the numbers and figures? Without the apprehensions of losing everything?”
My inner calm replies “I have a dream, and I believe in the force of the universe. We will get what we deserve. Nothing more and nothing less. Being hungry for something will only push you further away, so don’t. I have a dream, and I know that they come true – look at us, we have moved so much with our actions, and we can do more. Like we water a tree without measuring its leaves in inches every morning – let’s not approach or measure the impact of our actions with greed. When the flower blooms or fruit falls from that tree that we watered for all this time, we’d know it worked without having to measure it.”
My self-doubts, they all shrug and say “I guess you’re right”
“Yes I am aware, you need some good sleep” my inner calm responds.