Oh Autumn, You’re Already Here | Oct 2018


I know we say this every year, that the year passed by so quickly but this Autumn feels like it arrived too early.

My heart is already sinking, there were so many goals I made, and I met them and now it’s almost time to celebrate, the year is ending and a new one awaits – there’s festivity of all sorts and genres – I can hear the sounds of Garba, and social media filled with unbelievably exotic Durga Pandals, Ravan statutes on every road waiting to be burnt, well-lit lanes, crowded streets with Bhandara [food cooked in large scale distributed to all the devotees that come by outside temples] and all the vehicles decorated in my small town with a garlands of Genda Phool.

The houses have started to get cleaned, Diwali is just around the corner and new clothes to be bought. Among the chaos, the weather has slowly moved from muddy monsoons to empty dusky evenings. Apples have ripened and plucked out, arranged symmetrically into crates.

Greens are turning red, brown and yellow.

There are more leaves under my feet than above my head. It’s transforming from grey clouds to grey wind, and among the festivities, amidst the sinking sky, my heart is sinking too.

It’d be unfair to say I’m not happy, because I really am happy – but love seems to feel lost, dropped out of my hand, and I don’t know what it feels like anymore. I want to feel loved, I want to feel love. As the trees are letting go of its leaves, I am letting go of something too. I don’t know how, I don’t know why.

I don’t know what I wanted to write about when I started typing my heart out, like my waxed feelings began to melt and poured out in letters. I don’t remember what I wanted to speak about.

There are only a few weeks left for me to turn 25, and fuck! it still seems like a joke. How did I grow up so much? When did I metamorphose into an adult? I don’t mean to say its bad, trust me when I say this – being an adult has its own perks, its own shade of freedom, yes there are responsibilities but you will always have a choice which ones you want to sign up for [even if society tells you otherwise]. I am just adapting to all of this. I am just learning to feel comfortable in my adult skin.

If childhood was the summer – full of mangoes and holidays,
teenage felt like the monsoons – you could jump in the dirt and not care,

starting of an adult life – autumn has arrived;

mid-life just like winters – its cozy and unending,
old age, perhaps spring,

what do you think?

All in love,

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Digital Detox: Spending a Week without Instagram

Digital Detox | Stuti Ashok Gupta

So, I know I was supposed to write about my Vipassana Course for the sequel of my last post How I lived in Ladakh for seventeen days.

However, I have kept that on hold, mainly for two reasons:

  1. My Vipassana Course was overwhelming. Imagine yourself in a dark room for years and suddenly to face the sunlight. You’d be struck by the light, and your eyes may lose sight because of too much exposure, and your words have fumble because you can see everything clearly and there would be too much stimulus to make sense out. I felt that way. Even though it happened 11 months ago, I am still making sense of my experience and I will definitely share my experience in this space – when I trust this space enough to contain it.
  2. I recently had decided to take a week off from Instagram and it was my first successful day without it. I want to articulate my thoughts so that I can document it.
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Note to self – Keep Writing

A picture from my solo trip to Mcleodganj, Nov 2015 | Stuti Ashok Gupta

Sundays are not usually eventful for me, but today went quite well. I started my day with seeing my client who comes for therapy in the morning – with electricity not cooperating, we had to switch the place twice in the 47 degrees heat. I couldn’t help but wonder the repercussions of it. Changing the spaces. Can every space feel safe with the same person or does it change? I kept ruminating about how spaces have an important role in a therapeutic relationship or any relationship for that matter.

Settings, certain rooms, light, time, furniture – can they contain you on various occasions?

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Summer has got me thinking – how to blog correctly?

Stuti Ashok Gupta

When I was only 16 or 17, I found a space where I could dump my emotions without worrying about anything – it was ‘internet’ and more specifically, my blog.

The first time I found out about blogger.com and I thought wow, I could speak my heart out and I called my blog – Worlds collide in Words. Perhaps, that name came out a few months of me writing my blog and I saw that this space had more people who came to dump their emotions, too. Words made my world collide with theirs in a fruitful way.

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Seekers of love

Stuti Ashok Gupta
artwork by Stuti for Inktober (2016)
How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon?
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in between villages & cities

When i’m away in a remote village or a forest, climbing a tree or hiking onto a mountain, the little things, the colors and the flowers, the fresh water and the fresh wind, the sounds of the birds and those of the children speaking in a language that i cannot fathom; i realize that all of these things and all of the people at this moment are here without any human planning and yet they perfectly sync into each other’s beauty.
And then, i come back to a city where a building design takes ages and a tree plantation cannot sustain itself without a newspaper coverage of showing mr so & so with ms so & so planted these many trees. A city is full of planning, awful or good, but its symmetry makes me sick.
Nature, no matter how unplanned and unsymmetrical, fits perfectly with one another. It somehow blends everything in itself and bends itself to fit. While the “planned civilisations” continue to destroy everything around them to give them “a right shape”.
What do we think are we, humans, doing, really?
The above snippet has been written by stuti on 2nd september 2017 where she wonders about the ways of nature and cities. She is left in awe of how remote villages are so much in sync with nature while cities are stuck in haphazard-ous spirals of planning and human design.


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the shape of conversations

Some conversations are like water, they flow and they take many shapes and forms; they diverge, they converge and eventually they all merge into one. But it’s not the intention or the end that matters, it’s what they do while they go along, they dribble, they drizzle, they tickle.
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