Notes from my therapy | Mental Health

Notes from my therapy: I went in with a flat mood, you know the kind when you’re feeling a bit of everything but they are all mixing up, happiness with tragedy, euphoria with boredom, drowsiness with insomnia – a little bit of everything. So I thought to myself, do I need to be this session today? I mean, I’m functioning fine, and doing pretty alright and there’s no specific incident that happened that I could open up about to my therapist – for that, I’d just call up a friend and bitch about (you know if you had to), but there isn’t anything. This constant need to make everything “worthwhile” stuck with me as I waited for my therapist to come online on skype, where I have the sessions, also the same place where I provide therapy to my clients. And it’s slightly ironic, and maybe also bittersweet that I sit at the same spot for all of it. That little top right corner, where you can peep in a piece of my photos and artworks hanging on my wall. But that’s besides the point. So the session started, and my therapist and I were just talking like two friends, about how corona virus is stirring up the world, and I’m still thinking in my head, maybe I was right, there’s nothing I really had to talk about today.

And suddenly, I remember that I had a live session about Mental Health and how good it was and how I enjoyed doing it, felt a sense of accomplishment by challenging myself and putting it out there…and then, like threads of a sweater, it kept unravelling – I was tangled in it – and there I was, full of tears, trying to calm it down by gulping large sips of water, but all that water kept dropping from my eyes. I was crying as I was telling my therapist about how I had a dance performance when I was 6 or 7, and I didn’t have anyone in the audience who was familiar. And then, I recalled how when I gave my Ted talk, I didn’t have anyone in the audience I knew, too. These two incidents were not something that really scarred me, they just happened and I let them pass, until yesterday when I finally cried so hard about it. What I learnt from my last session was – some experiences and memories are so well suppressed, like neatly ironed clothes that you know you’d never wear but they are too precious to lose, they don’t fit you well, and you could use some extra space if you let them out, but somehow in the rushed life, trying to solve so many problems, with out hands full and our plates full – thay these neatly ironed clothes are hoarded for years. Like these two memories.

I remember not feeling anything, no joy, no sadness after my ted talk, because the impact of anything really multiplies when you have someone to share it with. And I’m not saying that I don’t have people whom I can’t share these achievements with, but sometimes I do feel that those two memories have kind of made me want to switch to different things over and over, learning, achieving a little and changing again and again because I never really get to the point where I can feel that happiness of achieving something. It’s really not always negative, it’s a mix of both good and bad I guess but what I’m really trying to say is – AWARENESS is the first step to a crucial change in life.

I returned to therapy only 8 sessions ago, and I think there’s no better investment than investing in yourself. Hope you find solace in my notes. Hope they disturb you a little. Hope they make you want to learn more about yourself too. There are plenty of ways, and you can choose it for yourself. I don’t know if any of this has a purpose. It is so raw that I might want to edit and make changes, and that’s why I wouldn’t read it twice before posting it. Lots of love, Stuti

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