7 July 2020
My mind is pacing up instead of relaxing. As much as I like to believe that my mind is in my control, I cant really fathom most times whether it is. Times when I suddenly start to feel out of breath on a phone call and I can’t concentrate on listening anymore, all I feel in those times is to cut the call and run back in my unreachable cocoon. For someone who has been active on social media from as young as 12, I am doing pretty great without any virtual interaction with people which includes documenting my life and put it to showcase. Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t intend to put Facebook, Instagram, or this blog – for the amazing people I found through these mediums but somehow, my mind has had enough for small talks and it needs break. Funny how I say I cannot stop, when I have stopped so many things is past 8 weeks. I think, my constant attempts to crawl back into the arms of this cozy nurturing space, just to write is failing, because I am too scared to document anything. Cause after all, the more memories you make, the more you have to push yourself to let go. Holding back means weighing down. Letting go means free to fly with no strings attached. I have reached a point where my needs have limited to meals just once or twice a day, I am trying to not eat at night these days. I do feel guilty for falling into the Sale traps last weekend, but at the same time – can I say I am free if I don’t have a lot of needs from the outside?
I am contemplating a minimal lifestyle, but with the bohemian outlook I have towards life, it reflects on my walls, on my bed, in my closet. How does one really start though? To live a life that has only what I need and utilise fully. To be honest, it does sound like fantasy to me, to be able to not hoard – even the saved WhatsApp texts. I don’t really understand though – it does save my life almost half the time when I am in any form of trouble or anything is missing. My hoarding occurs to me as if it is more of a saviour and thus, I go downward spiral from being a wishful minimalist to real time hoarder. And I am not talking about things here, I hoard conversations in my brain, consistently trying to infer whether I was understood or misunderstood – has it made me any better at communicating who I am and what I need? I guess I completely disregard that sometimes it doesn’t really matter how you communicated it because the listener comes with their own coloured notions about you and everything that you do or say will be understood or misinterpreted – completely on the basis of the color of their perceptions. So can I really control that? Does it even make sense to hoard few sentences in my mind, just to rewind, play, pause, reflect – and wonder – was there a better way to put that across?
That also comes to the point where I need to understand why is it so bloody important for me that everyone understands clearly. Where does that need arise from? That need is an illusion because understanding is a two way street and you can only walk your walk and if the other isn’t willing – you can either be patient and wait, or you leave it and begin again. And honestly, you can try as much as you want to make everyone understand, you are simply setting yourself to failure. I guess the right thing to do would be to start understanding yourself better, so that when people misunderstand, you can still be by your side and know that you meant no harm and that it is okay to be misunderstood as long as you have the conviction.
So the great update is, I have been indulging in Kitchen gardening these days. Watched a couple of Youtube videos, this woman called Rakhi Mittal came super handy – learnt a big deal about the kind of soil you need, things at home [basically all kitchen waste] that you can collect and use as a manure. Cost-less and effective at its best. Ordered 15 seeds from amazon and that’s all. As the kitchen waste manure requires fermentation, we mixed the soil with manure [used cow dung, because we also have Shyama at Amrutam Vatika].
I wish I could describe the feeling when you see the seeds germinate, they turn into these tiny little babies. Even though, I have seen plants grow since my childhood, this is my first hand experience of taking care of something from its nascent stage – literally starting from the scratch. It would be feel like nature is the god that all the religions are looking for. It is true magic. I mean, how can something as tiny as 1 mm size grow into these 2 inches saplings? Every time I take a break, or when I am strolling in the evening, I like to watch them, observe them and just feel so much calm. These sapling are my new Instagram app that I keep going back to for no reason. But this has been such a blessing-in-disguise, and unintentional alternative.
I do think that taking care of something as fragile as saplings make you more patient as a person. I am extremely grateful that somehow it is giving me more confidence to be a responsible person in my personal life. I do wish to learn more about and start practising a minimal life, let’s see when that happens organically in my life too.
God bless & lots of love,